andrew bird - the mysterious production of eggs - 14 - the happy birthday song (mp3, 3,959 KB)...today is the day before my 25th birthday .... did anyone see it coming ? .... well I did not ... I remember back ..when I was much younger .. that I imagined 25 as eing really old ... by that age I wanted to havemy first child ... ( I did not know by then that you need a man for that ) ... well and I thought I will be an adult .... when does one actually become one .... some nearly 30th or over 30th surround me but I cant really see much difference .... maybe I m already one .... ha ???!!! me !!??? no that cant be ...
The other day someone asked me if I feel old or young .... it really maid me think ... because I kind of tried to make him understand that its both .... at one point I feel so vulnerable like never before and want to go home to hide on the side of my dad ( which I will actually on monday) on the other side I count too many years already for feeling like that which makes me feel old ..... I want to have still more time to become the person I think I should be with 25. - well I'm not .... looking back to my 21-22 I was happy ... I felt as if i m on a good track like "being on time " .. Up to this age I cramped so much adventure and experience in a short period that I could sit back and relax - thinking yes well done /.... now I sit back and think .. shit I have some catchin up to do ....

well one of those things is Nepal ... 2 month and a half .... but this time I'm quite scared ... there is like no time to piss about anymore ... it needs to be good .... I'm kind of scared of making mistakes or well taking wrong decisions... Its now I know .. once there its all so different ... and I want even think like this anymore . I still have two weeks to go before my departure but it fees as if there are still so many private things to sort out ...over which i'm turning and turning since month ... so maybe the real solution lays in me leaving and coming back with a different view on things ... if itwould just not be so hard to JUST LEAVE things...

.. one of those days ...
one chat - taff words
+
one film - recognition
+
one site - well not giving the link
+
= one new page

PS - back to rolies

....this morning I had a strange shaking in my voice coming from some nervousness.... it was physical -the one you get when you get standing in front of a group of people -wanting to make a good impression - the one you get feeling small and unimportant -some may call it the butterflies in your stomache - I never knew if its a good or bad sign - does it ache or does it make you feel alife --

-it made me think -- no not really it made me want to act - thinking thats what I do anyway - but the courage to act is what I lack the most - finally to take a decision what evercomes ... the small ones - the big and "brave" ones were always easy - easy to impress with .... but the small me - the one that is scared of rejection , scared to love too much and not to be loved back - the one that likes to trust blindly to find out that people sometimes must hurt to be happy... that tiny me tends to hide not act

what happens if yo act wrong ? Nothing , thats what they say --you learn from it - good - you cant go back - bad
this tiny fact is what keeps me from acting - i m so fucking scared to take a wrong decision - what if I look back and realise that I was wrong -
or I was not right - wrong is easier - its passed -- I except I was wrong - sorry - I will do better next time - I move on ..... But i was not right Is a completely different story .... its somehow ongoing - I was not right - if I would have known I was not right I would have done better but I did not - how do I know - What if it changes .

Its like with the what do I want ? For me its like what do I want to feel - loved , creative, busy, amazed, -- the words are never right - I want to live a picture I carry in my mind and in my stomach ... this life makes me feel a special way - it smells and looks and sounds a special way ....

..and then there is love - I think the first time I was in love is long long time ago - his name was christoph in primary ....well kathi would now say with a big grinn -its Stoffel like every one called him -I was young but I could feel- we liked him both - but she acted I did not - she acted so badly that the Act involved mobilising christoph and his friends to through apples at me .... playing -- - I know ---- but no- I still cant laugh about it .... it stayes engraved in the layer I would call the tiny me ....
Loving christoph ment to me - believing in the fact that someone else feels the world like you do .... strangely enough I always believe that with people that don't talk much .... as if it would be an equation between silence and "understanding" .... yes I fall in love with people I believe understand me - understand the nothingness - understand the suffering - the joys out of nothing ...

- years passed now since I try to give up on this hope and to accept that silence can also consist of emptiness - that the silence might be filled up by the sounds I want to hear .... but without the hope in it - my dreams feel empty - deprived of deeper meaning --- of course - wake up from your fairy tales - come to the real world --- another view words that make me lay awake at night - make me want to scream WHY !!!!!!!... but what if they are right ... what if the only way not to get disapointed is by waking up ...by accepting emptiness some time ...

What I WANT is something perfect - not THE PERFECT - but perfect for me with all its inperfections --- I think I found someone that could be close to my perfection - but I was never sure - never acted - hid the tiny me and showed the "brave" - I know the apples hit me
But I still dont want to fight - dont want to fight even for my own good - it makes my dreams look so grey ... makes me feel horrible things - I can be so mean when Im hurt - but I think dont act --- some kill others some themselves .... slowly but surely - for this time its a year ...

WORDS.... it have always been the words - just a few- maybe said to talk - to fill emptiness - try to make sense in complexity ... but those words stay and come back before I act .... make me turn back and reconsider .... go over them to make sure I did not miss any ... miss or missunderstood ... expect the worst ... just hear the worst ... ... what if I was not right ? I will never find out . I carry my dictionary with me - words that outspoken transform their meaning - take there own direction .... but the way they hurt is kept a secret - a tiny secret I m afraid to share.

"I shall be gone and live or stay and die."
(Shakespeare)




Finally after a couple of years I hold the precious thing in my hand - the ticket to Nepal - half of the major problems are overcome - money -time-and selfassurance that I can really do it . Now its fix - 31.10-15.01 - 2 and a half month of -- I dont know what will happen . . . but finally i'm back to the adventures me - . . .
Why does the decision to leave for a while became suddenly so difficult ?
Why did I forget the feeling of - the whole world lays in my hands?
Why do I start to worry about so many things , things that I defined as @ not to worry @ long time ago ?

---- Is it the symptom of getting old - of starting to be part of society ?

OLD ??!! - yes I know people just tell me that 24 is not old - but hey who decides what old is anyway ... It's not the age that worries me its the fact that everyone around you expects you to be something at a certain stage in life ... well I have the impression I'm not there yet ... and do I really want to go there ?

....what if I decide to leave free and spontanious now ... and regrett it in a couple of years ? ...
once someone very precious told me - hey petra wake up --- things and people change around you - you need to grow up --
--this was one of the most painfull words I had to listen to in long time -- I felt small - naive and insignificant ....
But hey - is it really so important - whats so bad about creating a perfect world in your head - trying to keep holding on to the things we love /...
...
so now I decided I will hold on to it - will keep on dreaming my own world ...in NEPAL !!!
Everyone who does not agree - please step forward and complain --

Till then :


There's a voice that keeps on calling me,
Down the road is where I'll always be,
Every stop I make, I'll make a new friendCan't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll wana settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

I just came across this site a couple of days ago - and well I love it ---

well planning to criss cross belgium for a good cause
http://www.motherearth.org/walk/index_en.php

peacewalk 2005
Route
Tue., July 26th Ypres - Roeselare
Wed., July 27th Roeselare - Tielt
Thu., July 28th Tielt - Ghent
Fri., July 29th Ghent - Aalst
Sat., July 30th Aalst - Brussels
Sun., July 31st rest day and action training
Mon., Aug. 1st NATO (Evere)
Tue., Aug. 2nd Brussel - Leuven
Wed., Aug. 3rd Leuven - Diest
Thu., Aug. 4th Diest - Leopoldsburg
Fri., Aug. 5th Leopoldsburg - Kleine Brogel
Sat., Aug. 6th Kleine Brogel, Hiroshima commemoration actions
Sun., Aug. 7th Kleine Brogel, Peace action camp
Mon., Aug. 8th Kleine Brogel, Peace action camp
Tue., Aug. 9th Nagasaki commemoration action Ghent together with Stad Gent (the City of Ghent)

Finally , after month of good intentions to create my first weblog - now its the time -
its a challenge and an oportunity to be able to create a little entry every day-
I'm looking forward to it.
Petra
PS- the name of my weblog well its thanks to Fiona