..call it a Lehmann day if you want
....this morning I had a strange shaking in my voice coming from some nervousness.... it was physical -the one you get when you get standing in front of a group of people -wanting to make a good impression - the one you get feeling small and unimportant -some may call it the butterflies in your stomache - I never knew if its a good or bad sign - does it ache or does it make you feel alife --
-it made me think -- no not really it made me want to act - thinking thats what I do anyway - but the courage to act is what I lack the most - finally to take a decision what evercomes ... the small ones - the big and "brave" ones were always easy - easy to impress with .... but the small me - the one that is scared of rejection , scared to love too much and not to be loved back - the one that likes to trust blindly to find out that people sometimes must hurt to be happy... that tiny me tends to hide not act
what happens if yo act wrong ? Nothing , thats what they say --you learn from it - good - you cant go back - bad
this tiny fact is what keeps me from acting - i m so fucking scared to take a wrong decision - what if I look back and realise that I was wrong -
or I was not right - wrong is easier - its passed -- I except I was wrong - sorry - I will do better next time - I move on ..... But i was not right Is a completely different story .... its somehow ongoing - I was not right - if I would have known I was not right I would have done better but I did not - how do I know - What if it changes .
Its like with the what do I want ? For me its like what do I want to feel - loved , creative, busy, amazed, -- the words are never right - I want to live a picture I carry in my mind and in my stomach ... this life makes me feel a special way - it smells and looks and sounds a special way ....
..and then there is love - I think the first time I was in love is long long time ago - his name was christoph in primary ....well kathi would now say with a big grinn -its Stoffel like every one called him -I was young but I could feel- we liked him both - but she acted I did not - she acted so badly that the Act involved mobilising christoph and his friends to through apples at me .... playing -- - I know ---- but no- I still cant laugh about it .... it stayes engraved in the layer I would call the tiny me ....
Loving christoph ment to me - believing in the fact that someone else feels the world like you do .... strangely enough I always believe that with people that don't talk much .... as if it would be an equation between silence and "understanding" .... yes I fall in love with people I believe understand me - understand the nothingness - understand the suffering - the joys out of nothing ...
- years passed now since I try to give up on this hope and to accept that silence can also consist of emptiness - that the silence might be filled up by the sounds I want to hear .... but without the hope in it - my dreams feel empty - deprived of deeper meaning --- of course - wake up from your fairy tales - come to the real world --- another view words that make me lay awake at night - make me want to scream WHY !!!!!!!... but what if they are right ... what if the only way not to get disapointed is by waking up ...by accepting emptiness some time ...
What I WANT is something perfect - not THE PERFECT - but perfect for me with all its inperfections --- I think I found someone that could be close to my perfection - but I was never sure - never acted - hid the tiny me and showed the "brave" - I know the apples hit me
But I still dont want to fight - dont want to fight even for my own good - it makes my dreams look so grey ... makes me feel horrible things - I can be so mean when Im hurt - but I think dont act --- some kill others some themselves .... slowly but surely - for this time its a year ...
WORDS.... it have always been the words - just a few- maybe said to talk - to fill emptiness - try to make sense in complexity ... but those words stay and come back before I act .... make me turn back and reconsider .... go over them to make sure I did not miss any ... miss or missunderstood ... expect the worst ... just hear the worst ... ... what if I was not right ? I will never find out . I carry my dictionary with me - words that outspoken transform their meaning - take there own direction .... but the way they hurt is kept a secret - a tiny secret I m afraid to share.
-it made me think -- no not really it made me want to act - thinking thats what I do anyway - but the courage to act is what I lack the most - finally to take a decision what evercomes ... the small ones - the big and "brave" ones were always easy - easy to impress with .... but the small me - the one that is scared of rejection , scared to love too much and not to be loved back - the one that likes to trust blindly to find out that people sometimes must hurt to be happy... that tiny me tends to hide not act
what happens if yo act wrong ? Nothing , thats what they say --you learn from it - good - you cant go back - bad
this tiny fact is what keeps me from acting - i m so fucking scared to take a wrong decision - what if I look back and realise that I was wrong -
or I was not right - wrong is easier - its passed -- I except I was wrong - sorry - I will do better next time - I move on ..... But i was not right Is a completely different story .... its somehow ongoing - I was not right - if I would have known I was not right I would have done better but I did not - how do I know - What if it changes .
Its like with the what do I want ? For me its like what do I want to feel - loved , creative, busy, amazed, -- the words are never right - I want to live a picture I carry in my mind and in my stomach ... this life makes me feel a special way - it smells and looks and sounds a special way ....
..and then there is love - I think the first time I was in love is long long time ago - his name was christoph in primary ....well kathi would now say with a big grinn -its Stoffel like every one called him -I was young but I could feel- we liked him both - but she acted I did not - she acted so badly that the Act involved mobilising christoph and his friends to through apples at me .... playing -- - I know ---- but no- I still cant laugh about it .... it stayes engraved in the layer I would call the tiny me ....
Loving christoph ment to me - believing in the fact that someone else feels the world like you do .... strangely enough I always believe that with people that don't talk much .... as if it would be an equation between silence and "understanding" .... yes I fall in love with people I believe understand me - understand the nothingness - understand the suffering - the joys out of nothing ...
- years passed now since I try to give up on this hope and to accept that silence can also consist of emptiness - that the silence might be filled up by the sounds I want to hear .... but without the hope in it - my dreams feel empty - deprived of deeper meaning --- of course - wake up from your fairy tales - come to the real world --- another view words that make me lay awake at night - make me want to scream WHY !!!!!!!... but what if they are right ... what if the only way not to get disapointed is by waking up ...by accepting emptiness some time ...
What I WANT is something perfect - not THE PERFECT - but perfect for me with all its inperfections --- I think I found someone that could be close to my perfection - but I was never sure - never acted - hid the tiny me and showed the "brave" - I know the apples hit me
But I still dont want to fight - dont want to fight even for my own good - it makes my dreams look so grey ... makes me feel horrible things - I can be so mean when Im hurt - but I think dont act --- some kill others some themselves .... slowly but surely - for this time its a year ...
WORDS.... it have always been the words - just a few- maybe said to talk - to fill emptiness - try to make sense in complexity ... but those words stay and come back before I act .... make me turn back and reconsider .... go over them to make sure I did not miss any ... miss or missunderstood ... expect the worst ... just hear the worst ... ... what if I was not right ? I will never find out . I carry my dictionary with me - words that outspoken transform their meaning - take there own direction .... but the way they hurt is kept a secret - a tiny secret I m afraid to share.
hybrid - 12. Sep, 23:05
